I had a dream that God wanted to show people how hell looked like, but I was too afraid to see how it looked like, so I hid from God. After God showed everyone hell, He dragged me out of my hiding spot and forced me into hell. When I looked around, I saw what seemed to be hundreds of cashier registers in a large store. When I looked down, I saw that I was wearing an employers vest uniform. Then I woke up. What does that mean? O.O
I found myself crying a lot today, in private. I woke up two in the afternoon, had a hot pocket for Breakfast, grapes for lunch, and some mac n cheese for dinner. Again, today my parents made fun of me…talking about how badly they’d love to have my job that allows me to wake up at two in the afternoon. I looked for both more work and grad school info. I can’t ask the professors to write me letters of recommendations again, knowing they had bad attitudes about writing them the first time I applied to grad schools. I could go back to school for something different that would not require any recommendations. I also saw some more freelance job offers on the internet. I have a bill coming soon to pay back student loans. It looks like I’m going to have to call to have the deadline pushed back some more months(which makes me feel like a total failure). I feel like a loser. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t just be normal. Why couldn’t I be intelligent or talented enough to get into grad school or work for a company I’d be happy and proud of working for? I’m afraid of the present and my future. Don’t get me wrong, though. I love my parents and I know they only want the best for me. My mothers bad heath worries me. My father, who’s been working the graveyard shift since I was born(to support the family), worries me. Parents take care of kids. Then kids grow up and take care of their parents. I will be a failure if I can not do that. It makes me wonder why I was born. Maybe, I’m my parents punishment for having me before getting married? Maybe, I’m their bad luck. You ever feel like hope and happiness is just an arms length away? Like you can just reach out and grab it and feel happy and safe? I only feel that way when I close my eyes. Someday, I hope to be where God wants be in life. I’ll look back and see that I went through all of those things for a good reason. Or maybe I’ll just wake up a forty something year old homeless person. Or maybe I won’t even live to see forty, but I believe that there is at least a better place after death. No matter what happens, I hope I end in Heaven and can live there peacefully with the entire family.
Well it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. I’m hungry and awake. That’s been my lifestyle around the house lately. Go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up one to two in the afternoon. What a fulfilling lifestyle. I’ve got more free time then…No I guess not than the average human being, seeing as how a lot of people are out of work. Still, I have no family of my own. Yeah, I live with my parents, but I have no kids to take care of or a husband to cook for…THANK ALL MIGHTY GOD. I’m not into kids and “romantic” junk. Never have been. I’m happily single. I just never had this much FREE TIME on my hands. I want to take full advantage of this free time, though. I want to do something with it that most people with families can’t. I’ve been going about the house for seven months now just living off of my parents with no responsibilities. I’m worried they’ll kick me out of the house someday without any warning. Everything is changing. I’m planing ahead for things I never thought I’d plan for, back in high school and college. My parents aren’t like what they used to be. They’re very accepting of things they’ve never stood by before, so why wouldn’t they blow up and throw me out now? They’ve been acting a little differently around me. So, in case of an emergency, I’ve researched different youth hostels in the area. There aren’t many, but there are plenty of Catholic churches offering shelter to the homeless. ;^) So I’m lucky I live in a city area than the country. I was actually thinking about packing an emergency backpack with limited clothing items in it just in case. I don’t plan on going anywhere. I just want to be prepared for the worst, just in case. My father told me a story of when his mother kicked him out of the house. He slept in his car, which sounds like luxury to me because I don’t own a car. I walked in on my father speaking with another person, recently. He went on to tell my father his mother kicked him out when he was 19. When he went home, his clothes were on the sidewalk. It was very uncomfortable walking in on them conversing about that. It made me wonder if they were talking badly about me before I walked in the room. Anyway, I’ve been searching for jobs but can’t find the right one. I’m preparing to re-apply to a grad school out of state. I don’t want to go far away, but for the love of all that is Holy, I want to be smart so that I can get a good paying job (if one exists). It bothers me that with a college degree I’d still get paid crappy money and work where I cannot grow and just be stuck in the same position. So grad school, “Be kind and open your doors and PLEASE whatever you do, be kind even after you hand me my new degree. I could always use help looking for work.” At the same time, I’ll be looking for freelance work since that seems to be the “job” most offered today. God, help me.
Again with the complaining this morning by my mother. Why the crap doesn’t anyone understand? I need support now more then ever, not someone kicking me when I’m already down. It’s like when I’m doing my best and I refuse to give up hope, some family member jumps out of the closet to pull me back down. If I ever move out of this house in the future, it won’t be to have no rules. I’m not a wild person. I love rules. It would be to get my head clear of extra negativity that I don’t need. I love my parents. I will ALWAYS need my parents. I just don’t see what’s so healthy about being reminded that I’m a loser every morning. Crap like that could tempt a person to jump off a building. I just need to try to stay as positive as I can and continue looking for Entry-Level work in my field of study.
I have been looking all over for Entry-Level job positions for what I majored in college and have come up with NOTHING. Everyone either wants to higher a newbie with more experience than I have or they ask for the right amount of experience but require a ridiculously long list of demanding qualifications. I remember one list asked for 1-3 years of experience and encyclopedic knowledge. Who ON EARTH has encyclopedic knowledge?! It bothered me that the few listings that were just perfect for Entry-Level positions demanded crap like that and knowledge of other things I had never heard of before. I feel bad. It makes me wonder if I’m good for nothing or if the university I went to was actually a not so good one. Either I’m hopeless or I was gypped. I know the mature thing is to take responsibility for my own problems. I just hope these problems get fixed soon so I can compete for positions with confidence. It hasn’t been good around here lately. My parents think I’m lazy, when in all reality, I just can’t find work in my field. My mother, once again, expressed her irritation of having a jobless 23 year old in the house….this MORNING to me right after I woke up! That was the way to start my day and yes, my Birthday just recently passed. There was only one thing in my mind on the 10th of November and that was, “The older I get, the more pathetic I look to society.” I can’t stand it when people ask me what I’m doing with myself. I tell them I’m looking for work but can’t find a job and then they have the nerve to catch attitudes with me and give me rude looks afterwards. So what, I’m having trouble finding a job? There is no need to judge me. On a worry note, I caught a glance at a depressing news report, earlier today. The headline went like this: “The New Face of Homelessness=College Grads”. Boy was watching that like watching the sun set on a Hawaiian tropical island. I could just frolic through meadows yelling, “My future is clear!” Well, I’m not going to let that be me! Times are tougher now, but I refuse to believe there is nothing out there for me. There’s got to be something.
Inspiring Quotes Store by the Seashore
Earlier this morning I woke up in such relief and the first thing I did was drop to my knees to pray. I had a horrific dream that went like this…I woke up and went to see my mother, who shared doomsday information with me. “A meteorite is coming and the leaders of the U.S. aren’t planning on NASA’s help to stop it.” A million things shot through my head at that point. One being we can do something to stop it, yet the government doesn’t want to do anything?! >8^( …..TYPICAL! “We’re going to go to the place God created for us”, she said trying to comfort me. I sat next to my mother on the sofa and clutched on to her. Remembering all of the things I did in the past that I never corrected caused me to turn into a broken record. “I’m not ready”, I kept repeating to her. I kept thinking there was no way I was going to meet up with her in Heaven and that scared the crap out of me. She was so certain of where she was going but I was so unsure. “It’s a mile away now”. I kept my arms around my mother, tempted to look out the window, but not really wanting to see it. I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet so I was incredibly hungry and I needed to use the bathroom, but refused to do any of those things. One: I wanted to die with my mother, not alone in another room in the house. AND Two: What was the point of putting Ego’s in the toaster if I was going to die? So I stayed, holding onto her and thinking of how getting hit by a meteorite was going to feel. I then thought of everyone in the area that was also going to die. I also thought of the selfish people who lived far away from us who would be learning about our destruction on their local news channel the next day. In the end, I wounded up praying as fast as I could. I begged God to forgive me and let me into Heaven when I die———————-What made that dream even more scary was, I drifted in and out of consciousness. In the middle of the dream I thought, maybe this is a dream. Then I felt myself slowly waking up. However, right when I felt myself coming to, I felt myself rapidly sucked back into to it and the dream continued. I then thought, in the dream, I’m not dreaming then because I didn’t wake up! I can’t stand dreams like that, but at the same time, I am so thankful for them. Though they are absolutely terrifying, they are also refreshing, because they remind me of what’s really important in life. Someday in the future, God willing it not be today, I will die. I want to be ready when that day comes. I want to be certain of where I’m going. I don’t want to waist time and have regrets in the end. I want to get my life straightened. I want to get my priorities straightened. I can be here today and gone tomorrow, like a blade of grass withers away. I am a speck in this world with an expiration date. No more waisting time!
Summer has come to an end and I have to admit, it finished with a bang. I managed to spend the end of my summer exploring the Caribbean, Puerto Rico, and then coming back to the States only to then explore Atlantic City. haha. No lie. I did all that without spending a dime from my own pocket. I felt like Jack from Titanic, literally, because my lucky ticket was also to aboard a giant ship to travel by way of sea. I spent the entire time trying to forget everything that was waiting for me back at home…Finding a decent job to help pay off student loans and trying to figure out a way to convince a grad school to let me in. Whenever my head was cleared of worrying about finding a good job in “The Unknown Future”, I thought up some new dreams for “The Unknown Future”. First off, I’d love to go back to Puerto Rico. There, in San Juan, I was drawn into an art store in which I found out Enrique Iglesias had found himself in years before my visit. The walls were filled with vibrant colored paintings and masks. In my shock, the owner of the store turned out to be a Caucasian man. He knew so much about the history of Puerto Rico that it blew my mind. He flew to San Juan, Puerto Rico, for vacation 20 years before and fell so much in love with the city that he never went back to the States. Now, whenever I think of P.R., I think of that man who traveled far from his home and was willing to leave everything behind for his new love. I can’t help but wonder if that’s what I’m really afraid of in my own life. Am I really worried about my finances or am I afraid of moving on? I feel my whole outlook on life has been a negative one. Tomorrow, I have an appointment for Job Placement. It’s not even an interview, just Job Placement but I admit, I’m terrified. I’m afraid of what job I’ll get. I’m afraid I’ll hate it, but be stuck working there for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle the work. I’m afraid co-workers and the head honcho will hate my guts. But most of all, I’m afraid of failure. I’ve come to understand that even if those things do come to pass, failure will never be who I am. So tomorrow, I will make my way down to Job Placement and hand over my resume. Not my life, just my resume.
I was re-introduced to a very rich loan shark earlier today. His name was Nelnet and he wasn’t as kind to me as the first time I met him. At 22, I haven’t even begun to live my life (not sure if I ever will) and already I’m in debt. I was smacked around with information about interest rates(WHAT IS THAT?! sarcasm), what I owed, how I was going to pay off my debt, and the consequences that would follow if I didn’t pay up….garnish my paychecks(I DON’T EVEN HAVE A JOB YET), ruin my credit score(BUT THAT’S WHY I NEVER GOT A CREDIT CARD), delinquency(BUT I’M NOT EVEN BRAVE ENOUGH TO DRIVE PAST THE LIMIT), etc. Paying back student loans is NO joke. I feel like I’m already dead where I’m sitting. The University wouldn’t even give me my diploma until I read everything and filled out their Student Loans survey. Tomorrow, I’m finally going to pick up my diploma and slide it into its case. All this negativity aside, at least Nelnet helped pay for me to get through college. I will most definitely utilize his payment plans! On another note, I decided to call the schools’ co-op adviser for help on getting an internship. This is what I’ve learned so far: Not all college’s actually want to help their graduates.
I recall doing an internship two summers ago when one of the employees told me, “Grades don’t matter in the business world”. Apparently, when I go for a job interview, the person sitting behind the desk isn’t going to ask me what grade I got on my latest biology exam or even if I ever made it on the honor roll. They don’t care about that stuff. “I was doing multiple internships at the same time, so I failed miserably in college. But because I had so much experience, I received job offers.”, said the employee. Now that I finished college, my next goal is to attend graduate school. Unfortunately, getting into graduate school is tougher then I thought. I graduated with a 3.0 GPA. It would’ve been nice to be one of those people who can easily remember things, but I’m not. I’m normal. So until a graduate school finally lets me in, I will do as many internships as I possibly can to boost up my resume.
whitemarz: the after college notes 