Bad Luck

Posted: December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

I found myself crying a lot today, in private. I woke up two in the afternoon, had a hot pocket for Breakfast, grapes for lunch, and some mac n cheese for dinner. Again, today my parents made fun of me…talking about how badly they’d love to have my job that allows me to wake up at two in the afternoon. I looked for both more work and grad school info. I can’t ask the professors to write me letters of recommendations again, knowing they had bad attitudes about writing them the first time I applied to grad schools. I could go back to school for something different that would not require any recommendations. I also saw some more freelance job offers on the internet. I have a bill coming soon to pay back student loans. It looks like I’m going to have to call to have the deadline pushed back some more months(which makes me feel like a total failure). I feel like a loser. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t just be normal. Why couldn’t I be intelligent or talented enough to get into grad school or work for a company I’d be happy and proud of working for? I’m afraid of the present and my future. Don’t get me wrong, though. I love my parents and I know they only want the best for me. My mothers bad heath worries me. My father, who’s been working the graveyard shift since I was born(to support the family), worries me. Parents take care of kids. Then kids grow up and take care of their parents. I will be a failure if I can not do that. It makes me wonder why I was born. Maybe, I’m my parents punishment for having me before getting married? Maybe, I’m their bad luck. You ever feel like hope and happiness is just an arms length away? Like you can just reach out and grab it and feel happy and safe? I only feel that way when I close my eyes. Someday, I hope to be where God wants be in life. I’ll look back and see that I went through all of those things for a good reason. Or maybe I’ll just wake up a forty something year old homeless person. Or maybe I won’t even live to see forty, but I believe that there is at least a better place after death. No matter what happens, I hope I end in Heaven and can live there peacefully with the entire family.


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